Where is the Love?

Where is the love? Now that's a good question. Most of it I would like to blame on medications that I am taking, which are wellbutrin, perphenazine, benztropine, prozac, and clonazepam. I blame my mental health and I blame the rest on me. The other question is:  Did I stop caring?

At the moment, I am waiting for my spouse to leave for his short "business trip". I keep feeling like he is sitting and staring at me, and is probably thinking that I am saying horrible things about him in an email to someone. Who would that someone be? No one. Maybe a shrink one day. Am I being paranoid, or do I just have good peripheral vision. I don't want him to see what I'm doing on the computer, which sites I am going to and what I am writing, so I moved over to the couch where he can't see the screen. Paranoid? Not so much as he is really wondering what exactly I'm doing, usually asks and I always want to say "none of your fucking business! what's your problem?" Actually, I think I have said that before. Of course, I got a seriously bad reaction. I don't interrogate him, so I'm not having that either. I'm still waiting for him to leave. He has packed his things and he is sitting and staring at the tv.

Oh relief has come. He has left the building.SIGH...

I've become so depressed that I can't bear to have anybody in the room, on the phone, or whatever. I'm alone with my misery and privacy. Today's the worst day these past few days have been with this misery. Last night I couldn't stand to be in the room, so I took a shower to be alone, and then I went to bed to tune out, but I lost it and started crying quietly to myself. Unfortunately, I was heard and asked what was wrong. Asked a person that never talks about what's going on with him until the shit hits the fan, if at all, which is my spouse. I felt no comfort from him talking to me - more like just asking what was wrong. I felt no emotion coming from him. He did not touch me. What's wrong with this picture? Fuck.

Speaking of fuck, I haven't had any interest in it for a long time - more than a year. This bothers him, of course. I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to him anymore. I look at him, I look at his face, watch his mannerisms, watch him do the irritating things he does, and something's just wrong. Something is missing and I can't put a finger on it. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me, but just that there seems to be something terribly wrong with us. If he doesn't pay rent and bills, I'm not happy and if I'm not happy, he's not happy because I won't be a housewife that caters to him and keeps the place spotless. Not to mention have sex with him in a manner of his choice. I'm just not interested in any of it. Is that all due to depression and medication?

Right now, I don't feel like I give a shit about anything. I'm glad I have some time alone. I suppose I sound cruel and cold, but I'm just being terribly frank. I'm not OCD like he's become either. Fuck that shit.