Random Stupidity

What a rough weekend it's been. I had way too much to drink, and of course, blacked out and was found running around the apartment building like a crazy person, and banging on doors. I had to be told all this by the spouse. What a mess. He said that I told him I hated him. I have absolutely no memory of it or anything going wrong. Next morning, he gave me an ultimatum to either get a shrink or he's out of here in 2 months. Oh, and no more booze.

Ultimatums don't sit well with me regardless. I'm not afraid of being left by him since he used to always walk out during an argument, or go to bed and try to sleep. I'm not afraid because I know I can look after myself now that I have my own income, which barely covers rent and expenses for me. I'm not afraid because I've been shat on too many times already and wouldn't be surprised. I'm not afraid if all that and the stress of it pushes me over the edge. I just don't care anymore. I'm not happy in this mess and I don't see myself as being too happy in the future about anything. I guess I'm going through the dangerous I don't care phases. That could only mean one thing: death on the brain. People get tired of trying, tired of caring, as do I about myself. People who claim to love you will only go so far for you, when you would do more if the situations were reversed.

I know myself. I know that if I'm left alone that I will eventually try to consume every pill in the place, render myself unconscious and pray for death. This isn't some kind of threat. I just know myself.

It's "funny" that I was threatened to be left if  I don't get a shrink, because that very day of the incident above, I was looking up shrinks online. Of course I'm nervous about it. Nervous about getting ripped off or going through yet another bad scene with a shrink. I'm even kind of afraid of being locked up.

I don't think it's totally safe for me to say what's on my mind to a shrink, because it's far more than disturbing. It's about payback with someone that deserves a slow painful death, the ugly motherfucker. It's about random and not-so-random thought crimes. Perhaps I have too many hateful and evil thought crimes on the brain.

It's true that I feel cheated out of a normal life as other people have, but of course I want to punish those that have crossed me, and especially broken my trust. I choose to no longer trust anyone, and that includes the spouse. When I think about it, I can't really answer the question, if asked, "whom do you trust"? And of course if I admit I don't even trust the spouse, I'll get asked why not. My answer will be "Why?". Why do I keep getting up to get knocked down again and again. This life just isn't worth it.

So now I'll continue the painful, horrible search for a shrink that will accept me as a patient...