In Danger?

It's been a while since I wrote, mostly because I haven't had the privacy to do so. I can't write when there's another person around or in the house, not that I live in a house. A small apartment.
Somehow the spouse was quiet enough this morning to get up and out of here by 6.30am without waking me up. Now why can't he be that quiet when he's around? Have a little respect for me to be quiet and let me sleep even though he won't or can't in the morning. Getting up earlier in the morning when he's here all day makes the day drag on.
The spouse gets bored, but he won't go out and do something on his own when he's not working. He won't even go out and wander the streets just to see what's out there. Well, I certainly would if I found myself in another country. Is it depression or what? Does he feel he has to do nearly everything with me? Me, who rarely feels like going out alone thanks to insane anxiety?
Well, tonight we are going to meet up with some family and go to dinner. Another problem with dinner is that I don't want to eat, not just the terrible anxiety. I can't help but have a drink or two in that situation. It's really going to freak me out.
I can't stop thinking about snuffing it while the spouse's out of town working. This isn't the first time. I'd OD on pills that are extras that have been hanging around for me to stare at every day. I'm not sure how long he's going to be gone - most likely 4 or 5 days, which is plenty enough for the pills to take effect. It's supposed to be horrible and bad that I would think of that so much, but in this severely depressed and anxious state, I can't help myself - my brain. Those "bad" thoughts just made my head their home, and I don't necessarily want them to go away. Sometimes, when I'm alone, it jumps into my head day in and day out, in and out...