Smoke: 1 cig
Drink: coffee, oj, diet fresca
Food: 6oz yogurt
Moods: A meh, a little paranoid, but tired
Noise: qvc (bastards) background
Weight: 156
Today I'm feeling... meh. I woke up early in spite of the fact that A went back to work out of town, so I'm looking for time alone. I 'm sorting through bottles, looking for easy ones for swallowing pills and counting other meds of that I shouldn't be doing. I've got enough for coma or death, I believe. Death is on my mind constantly. Just not today, even with the pills. Not much going on upstairs, I guess.
I weighed myself again and it wasn't as bad as I thought: 156. Ridiculous as it may be or people, I'm planning to lose 50lbs, as I have before, after a child. As a consolation, I'm running around my apartment with a so-called beauty mask. I look like death. At least I'm not morbidly obese, just overweight for someone of my height. Glad that really good food is missing from this place. Last time I did a blog, I was able to lose some weight. Maybe because of the shame of it all.
The tv is on in the background on a shopping channel, which is probably one of the most dangerous things for a manic-depressive.. Don't read that sentence if you are diagnosed bipolar or manic-which is what docs are doing today. I did a bad thing and took some extra wellbutrin.
Yes I'm on meds: wellbutrin, prozac, clonazepam, perphazine
Time to go shower and get the mask off of me. I can't move my face! hahaha
Later...
I was on a manic high while watching tv recently, and ended up watching a half hour of an info-mercial about hair products called "Wen". How is it? I actually think it's pretty good, and was able to dry my hair straight, instead of using a flat iron (more damage). I also ended getting a couple of books, bags and shoes, and I almost never go outside by myself. I also picked up some jewelry. Oops. Uh oh. Does that make me a Wen girl? We'll see about that when I wash next.
I also picked up a ton of good and cheap make-up and accessories. Everything was $3. How could I help myself. I wouldn't have done it if I couldn't find it in stores. I hoard make up, especially lipstick, but now it's powder and powder foundations. $3!!! How could I resist that when I've seen most make up cost to 8 or 9x that! Oh shit. I just remembered all of the deliveries I have coming.And damn Safeway for delivering groceries!
Not much to do here apart from after-shower grooming...
My husband isn't coming back tonight, so why would I do my makeup? For the UPS man? For myself. I may be overweight, but at least my makeup and hair look pretty darn good. Maybe it's just to make me feel a little better about me? Well, it isn't working.
I think the blog thing worked last time, which was years ago when and I was and home and I was in the hospital in the crazy word, my boyfriend told me he wanted to split.I felt numb. Him - no feelings other than stone cold What a fine time to tell someone that.while their in the crazies ward.. I shed not a tear. His distance had always made me feel separate. I was proud of myself for not crying. Out of sight, out of mind. Anyway, that was the epitome of cruel. I saw the world coming to the end, I had money, and I didn't care what I spent it on when I got out. I just started to think sane, realistic temporary solutions. Survival. A plan. Escape from the planet of the Apes: Zera fights back.
I know now why apes carry guns.
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