smoke: 0
drink: 3 cups coffee
food: 0
moods: irritated, anxious
noise: cnn
weight: 156
Why hasn't Rush Limbaugh died yet? If it weren't for "sluts" or hookers, he'd never get laid. Why does he hate women so much? Motherfucking drug addict.
Up at 4:30am and not a whole lot to do. The spouse has left for work, without a kiss goodbye. Is that a big deal? I made the effort, but he shot me down. He tends to "punish" by refusing something, leaving, or clamming up. He managed to say "bye" before leaving, as he was half way out the door.
I think he was disappointed that I wasn't "in the mood" the night before. He spent hours driving back here after work, which took him about 2 hours or so, with no "happy ending". There was nothing for dinner and I was tired because I got up too early that morning as well. I wasn't up for doing anything but lying down. Maybe he was just frustrated, but I didn't dare ask.
He won't be coming back tonight, but on Friday eve. He's still working out of town and will be next week as well - as far as I know. It pisses me off when he doesn't tell me about his schedule unless I ask. What's wrong with him? He did mention couples counseling after I talked to him a bit about going myself. He wanted to know what I said about him and what the counselor said about him. I'm guessing he thinks I've been saying terrible things about him, which is pretty paranoid. He's definitely not the biggest problem I have. Besides, the therapy is about me. I still haven't received a bill for it, so I couldn't say how much it is, as I was asked (by the spouse). Sometimes Medicare is slow, sometimes the provider slacks off. I'd call, but it's too early this morning. I hope it doesn't turn out to be bad news.
Oops! Forgot to mention that I took the wrong advice and went into hospital last week. I ended up out of the city on the Tuesday before last. It was one serious shithole (to me) and they take everything from you, even all of your electronics that you use for distracting yourself from your depression. I couldn't handle that, and they did a real sloppy job checking me in and out. I spent one night there, woke up at 4.30am and made it well-known that I didn't want to be there one second more, and I wasn't going to harm anybody or anything. Getting attention from staff nurses and getting my message across helped me on my 2nd day. They chose to release me without order from a Dr, despite my "condition". RELIEF! FREEDOM! I packed as quickly as I could and nearly ran out of there. My ride home in a taxi was about $40, but worth every penny.
I felt pretty fragile when I got home, that I couldn't do anything but sleep. I still haven't unpacked most of my stuff yet. Hmmmm... what does that mean? Be prepared? For another bout with seriously "bad" thoughts? I don't know... I can't say.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Mask or Planet of the Apes
Smoke: 1 cig
Drink: coffee, oj, diet fresca
Food: 6oz yogurt
Moods: A meh, a little paranoid, but tired
Noise: qvc (bastards) background
Weight: 156
Today I'm feeling... meh. I woke up early in spite of the fact that A went back to work out of town, so I'm looking for time alone. I 'm sorting through bottles, looking for easy ones for swallowing pills and counting other meds of that I shouldn't be doing. I've got enough for coma or death, I believe. Death is on my mind constantly. Just not today, even with the pills. Not much going on upstairs, I guess.
I weighed myself again and it wasn't as bad as I thought: 156. Ridiculous as it may be or people, I'm planning to lose 50lbs, as I have before, after a child. As a consolation, I'm running around my apartment with a so-called beauty mask. I look like death. At least I'm not morbidly obese, just overweight for someone of my height. Glad that really good food is missing from this place. Last time I did a blog, I was able to lose some weight. Maybe because of the shame of it all.
The tv is on in the background on a shopping channel, which is probably one of the most dangerous things for a manic-depressive.. Don't read that sentence if you are diagnosed bipolar or manic-which is what docs are doing today. I did a bad thing and took some extra wellbutrin.
Yes I'm on meds: wellbutrin, prozac, clonazepam, perphazine
Time to go shower and get the mask off of me. I can't move my face! hahaha
Later...
I was on a manic high while watching tv recently, and ended up watching a half hour of an info-mercial about hair products called "Wen". How is it? I actually think it's pretty good, and was able to dry my hair straight, instead of using a flat iron (more damage). I also ended getting a couple of books, bags and shoes, and I almost never go outside by myself. I also picked up some jewelry. Oops. Uh oh. Does that make me a Wen girl? We'll see about that when I wash next.
I also picked up a ton of good and cheap make-up and accessories. Everything was $3. How could I help myself. I wouldn't have done it if I couldn't find it in stores. I hoard make up, especially lipstick, but now it's powder and powder foundations. $3!!! How could I resist that when I've seen most make up cost to 8 or 9x that! Oh shit. I just remembered all of the deliveries I have coming.And damn Safeway for delivering groceries!
Not much to do here apart from after-shower grooming...
My husband isn't coming back tonight, so why would I do my makeup? For the UPS man? For myself. I may be overweight, but at least my makeup and hair look pretty darn good. Maybe it's just to make me feel a little better about me? Well, it isn't working.
I think the blog thing worked last time, which was years ago when and I was and home and I was in the hospital in the crazy word, my boyfriend told me he wanted to split.I felt numb. Him - no feelings other than stone cold What a fine time to tell someone that.while their in the crazies ward.. I shed not a tear. His distance had always made me feel separate. I was proud of myself for not crying. Out of sight, out of mind. Anyway, that was the epitome of cruel. I saw the world coming to the end, I had money, and I didn't care what I spent it on when I got out. I just started to think sane, realistic temporary solutions. Survival. A plan. Escape from the planet of the Apes: Zera fights back.
I know now why apes carry guns.
Drink: coffee, oj, diet fresca
Food: 6oz yogurt
Moods: A meh, a little paranoid, but tired
Noise: qvc (bastards) background
Weight: 156
Today I'm feeling... meh. I woke up early in spite of the fact that A went back to work out of town, so I'm looking for time alone. I 'm sorting through bottles, looking for easy ones for swallowing pills and counting other meds of that I shouldn't be doing. I've got enough for coma or death, I believe. Death is on my mind constantly. Just not today, even with the pills. Not much going on upstairs, I guess.
I weighed myself again and it wasn't as bad as I thought: 156. Ridiculous as it may be or people, I'm planning to lose 50lbs, as I have before, after a child. As a consolation, I'm running around my apartment with a so-called beauty mask. I look like death. At least I'm not morbidly obese, just overweight for someone of my height. Glad that really good food is missing from this place. Last time I did a blog, I was able to lose some weight. Maybe because of the shame of it all.
The tv is on in the background on a shopping channel, which is probably one of the most dangerous things for a manic-depressive.. Don't read that sentence if you are diagnosed bipolar or manic-which is what docs are doing today. I did a bad thing and took some extra wellbutrin.
Yes I'm on meds: wellbutrin, prozac, clonazepam, perphazine
Time to go shower and get the mask off of me. I can't move my face! hahaha
Later...
I was on a manic high while watching tv recently, and ended up watching a half hour of an info-mercial about hair products called "Wen". How is it? I actually think it's pretty good, and was able to dry my hair straight, instead of using a flat iron (more damage). I also ended getting a couple of books, bags and shoes, and I almost never go outside by myself. I also picked up some jewelry. Oops. Uh oh. Does that make me a Wen girl? We'll see about that when I wash next.
I also picked up a ton of good and cheap make-up and accessories. Everything was $3. How could I help myself. I wouldn't have done it if I couldn't find it in stores. I hoard make up, especially lipstick, but now it's powder and powder foundations. $3!!! How could I resist that when I've seen most make up cost to 8 or 9x that! Oh shit. I just remembered all of the deliveries I have coming.And damn Safeway for delivering groceries!
Not much to do here apart from after-shower grooming...
My husband isn't coming back tonight, so why would I do my makeup? For the UPS man? For myself. I may be overweight, but at least my makeup and hair look pretty darn good. Maybe it's just to make me feel a little better about me? Well, it isn't working.
I think the blog thing worked last time, which was years ago when and I was and home and I was in the hospital in the crazy word, my boyfriend told me he wanted to split.I felt numb. Him - no feelings other than stone cold What a fine time to tell someone that.while their in the crazies ward.. I shed not a tear. His distance had always made me feel separate. I was proud of myself for not crying. Out of sight, out of mind. Anyway, that was the epitome of cruel. I saw the world coming to the end, I had money, and I didn't care what I spent it on when I got out. I just started to think sane, realistic temporary solutions. Survival. A plan. Escape from the planet of the Apes: Zera fights back.
I know now why apes carry guns.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
In Danger?
It's been a while since I wrote, mostly because I haven't had the privacy to do so. I can't write when there's another person around or in the house, not that I live in a house. A small apartment.
Somehow the spouse was quiet enough this morning to get up and out of here by 6.30am without waking me up. Now why can't he be that quiet when he's around? Have a little respect for me to be quiet and let me sleep even though he won't or can't in the morning. Getting up earlier in the morning when he's here all day makes the day drag on.
The spouse gets bored, but he won't go out and do something on his own when he's not working. He won't even go out and wander the streets just to see what's out there. Well, I certainly would if I found myself in another country. Is it depression or what? Does he feel he has to do nearly everything with me? Me, who rarely feels like going out alone thanks to insane anxiety?
Well, tonight we are going to meet up with some family and go to dinner. Another problem with dinner is that I don't want to eat, not just the terrible anxiety. I can't help but have a drink or two in that situation. It's really going to freak me out.
I can't stop thinking about snuffing it while the spouse's out of town working. This isn't the first time. I'd OD on pills that are extras that have been hanging around for me to stare at every day. I'm not sure how long he's going to be gone - most likely 4 or 5 days, which is plenty enough for the pills to take effect. It's supposed to be horrible and bad that I would think of that so much, but in this severely depressed and anxious state, I can't help myself - my brain. Those "bad" thoughts just made my head their home, and I don't necessarily want them to go away. Sometimes, when I'm alone, it jumps into my head day in and day out, in and out...
Somehow the spouse was quiet enough this morning to get up and out of here by 6.30am without waking me up. Now why can't he be that quiet when he's around? Have a little respect for me to be quiet and let me sleep even though he won't or can't in the morning. Getting up earlier in the morning when he's here all day makes the day drag on.
The spouse gets bored, but he won't go out and do something on his own when he's not working. He won't even go out and wander the streets just to see what's out there. Well, I certainly would if I found myself in another country. Is it depression or what? Does he feel he has to do nearly everything with me? Me, who rarely feels like going out alone thanks to insane anxiety?
Well, tonight we are going to meet up with some family and go to dinner. Another problem with dinner is that I don't want to eat, not just the terrible anxiety. I can't help but have a drink or two in that situation. It's really going to freak me out.
I can't stop thinking about snuffing it while the spouse's out of town working. This isn't the first time. I'd OD on pills that are extras that have been hanging around for me to stare at every day. I'm not sure how long he's going to be gone - most likely 4 or 5 days, which is plenty enough for the pills to take effect. It's supposed to be horrible and bad that I would think of that so much, but in this severely depressed and anxious state, I can't help myself - my brain. Those "bad" thoughts just made my head their home, and I don't necessarily want them to go away. Sometimes, when I'm alone, it jumps into my head day in and day out, in and out...
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
VD is Still A Communicable Disease
Happy happy joy joy: it's Valentine's Day, a day that I have almost always hated. It inspires ridiculous expectations from and for many people. Then there is the other bunch: the Who Cares Bunch. There is also a secret bunch that just doesn't expect much and doesn't want things to just go to hell.
The spouse and I exchanged gifts about a few weeks ago. We couldn't wait, and I was genuinely surprised and happy with my gift of some little diamond studs. The only thing we didn't exchange was cards at the time, so I went and bought one at the last minute, while at the hospital waiting for Rx.
We made no plans, no reservations anywhere, and I'm not even certain when the spouse will come home from work. I don't know how to feel when he gets home. I'm certainly not jolly now, after coming home from the shrink and counselor. So who knows what will happen, if anything. Best not to expect anything under my circumstances.
The spouse and I exchanged gifts about a few weeks ago. We couldn't wait, and I was genuinely surprised and happy with my gift of some little diamond studs. The only thing we didn't exchange was cards at the time, so I went and bought one at the last minute, while at the hospital waiting for Rx.
We made no plans, no reservations anywhere, and I'm not even certain when the spouse will come home from work. I don't know how to feel when he gets home. I'm certainly not jolly now, after coming home from the shrink and counselor. So who knows what will happen, if anything. Best not to expect anything under my circumstances.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Home Alone: a Good and Bad Thing
The husband's been out of town for a short work thing and it could not have come at a better time. I was going crazy with depression and anxiety, didn't want to be seen, to see, or heard and ugly violent feelings were growing in my gut and getting worse by the day. I had a bad week prior to that and was just getting worse and wanting to be alone to suffer and let things pass while alone. No luck. I was so relieved the spouse had to leave before I really lost it to the uncontrollable crying spells and suicidal shit.
I made it to my shrink appointment by taxi, he gathered the info on what was going on and urged me to call him if it was hospital time. My immediate thought was 'Who was going to care for the cat?' and why would I go to the hospital when I have a few days left to snuff it if it came to that?' Bad, I know. I ended up accepting the appointments that were made for me in a week, including one with a social worker, then went off to collect all my refilled meds after fixing my bad Tammy Faye Baker face. Some mascaras really suck. I had to pay full fucking price for the meds due to an annual deductible, which pissed me off even more than a 'normal' person, of course.
I called the insurance co and found that I hadn't been cut off yet, but had to meet the deductible, and that I would soon be billed. After paying in disgust, I stormed out, phone in hand and called another taxi to get the hell out of there.
I came home and checked the mail and found "An Unquiet Mind" in the mailbox, as well as my drug plan coupon pay book. I've recently acquired a Kindle, and have been reading the free classics like crazy, only I can't remember the previous sentence that I read, but have gone through many books. So, I decided to do that with the "new" real book and have nearly finished it. The book rubs me in the wrong way and I find it hard to find sympathy for the writer because of how much support she had from family and friends, and even colleagues - something many of us lacked and lack. I knew that I was avoiding it all these years for a damn good reason, and at least I only paid a penny for it ($3.99 postage) on amazon.com. I don't know if I will ever finish it, or go back to the crazy 18th-century english crap on my Kindle. Either way I only remember bits and pieces of some of the books.
Damn, I like the extra room in the bed. I have a bad feeling that I'm liking it too much.
I made it to my shrink appointment by taxi, he gathered the info on what was going on and urged me to call him if it was hospital time. My immediate thought was 'Who was going to care for the cat?' and why would I go to the hospital when I have a few days left to snuff it if it came to that?' Bad, I know. I ended up accepting the appointments that were made for me in a week, including one with a social worker, then went off to collect all my refilled meds after fixing my bad Tammy Faye Baker face. Some mascaras really suck. I had to pay full fucking price for the meds due to an annual deductible, which pissed me off even more than a 'normal' person, of course.
I called the insurance co and found that I hadn't been cut off yet, but had to meet the deductible, and that I would soon be billed. After paying in disgust, I stormed out, phone in hand and called another taxi to get the hell out of there.
I came home and checked the mail and found "An Unquiet Mind" in the mailbox, as well as my drug plan coupon pay book. I've recently acquired a Kindle, and have been reading the free classics like crazy, only I can't remember the previous sentence that I read, but have gone through many books. So, I decided to do that with the "new" real book and have nearly finished it. The book rubs me in the wrong way and I find it hard to find sympathy for the writer because of how much support she had from family and friends, and even colleagues - something many of us lacked and lack. I knew that I was avoiding it all these years for a damn good reason, and at least I only paid a penny for it ($3.99 postage) on amazon.com. I don't know if I will ever finish it, or go back to the crazy 18th-century english crap on my Kindle. Either way I only remember bits and pieces of some of the books.
Damn, I like the extra room in the bed. I have a bad feeling that I'm liking it too much.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Where is the Love?
Where is the love? Now that's a good question. Most of it I would like to blame on medications that I am taking, which are wellbutrin, perphenazine, benztropine, prozac, and clonazepam. I blame my mental health and I blame the rest on me. The other question is: Did I stop caring?
At the moment, I am waiting for my spouse to leave for his short "business trip". I keep feeling like he is sitting and staring at me, and is probably thinking that I am saying horrible things about him in an email to someone. Who would that someone be? No one. Maybe a shrink one day. Am I being paranoid, or do I just have good peripheral vision. I don't want him to see what I'm doing on the computer, which sites I am going to and what I am writing, so I moved over to the couch where he can't see the screen. Paranoid? Not so much as he is really wondering what exactly I'm doing, usually asks and I always want to say "none of your fucking business! what's your problem?" Actually, I think I have said that before. Of course, I got a seriously bad reaction. I don't interrogate him, so I'm not having that either. I'm still waiting for him to leave. He has packed his things and he is sitting and staring at the tv.
Oh relief has come. He has left the building.SIGH...
I've become so depressed that I can't bear to have anybody in the room, on the phone, or whatever. I'm alone with my misery and privacy. Today's the worst day these past few days have been with this misery. Last night I couldn't stand to be in the room, so I took a shower to be alone, and then I went to bed to tune out, but I lost it and started crying quietly to myself. Unfortunately, I was heard and asked what was wrong. Asked a person that never talks about what's going on with him until the shit hits the fan, if at all, which is my spouse. I felt no comfort from him talking to me - more like just asking what was wrong. I felt no emotion coming from him. He did not touch me. What's wrong with this picture? Fuck.
Speaking of fuck, I haven't had any interest in it for a long time - more than a year. This bothers him, of course. I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to him anymore. I look at him, I look at his face, watch his mannerisms, watch him do the irritating things he does, and something's just wrong. Something is missing and I can't put a finger on it. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me, but just that there seems to be something terribly wrong with us. If he doesn't pay rent and bills, I'm not happy and if I'm not happy, he's not happy because I won't be a housewife that caters to him and keeps the place spotless. Not to mention have sex with him in a manner of his choice. I'm just not interested in any of it. Is that all due to depression and medication?
Right now, I don't feel like I give a shit about anything. I'm glad I have some time alone. I suppose I sound cruel and cold, but I'm just being terribly frank. I'm not OCD like he's become either. Fuck that shit.
At the moment, I am waiting for my spouse to leave for his short "business trip". I keep feeling like he is sitting and staring at me, and is probably thinking that I am saying horrible things about him in an email to someone. Who would that someone be? No one. Maybe a shrink one day. Am I being paranoid, or do I just have good peripheral vision. I don't want him to see what I'm doing on the computer, which sites I am going to and what I am writing, so I moved over to the couch where he can't see the screen. Paranoid? Not so much as he is really wondering what exactly I'm doing, usually asks and I always want to say "none of your fucking business! what's your problem?" Actually, I think I have said that before. Of course, I got a seriously bad reaction. I don't interrogate him, so I'm not having that either. I'm still waiting for him to leave. He has packed his things and he is sitting and staring at the tv.
Oh relief has come. He has left the building.SIGH...
I've become so depressed that I can't bear to have anybody in the room, on the phone, or whatever. I'm alone with my misery and privacy. Today's the worst day these past few days have been with this misery. Last night I couldn't stand to be in the room, so I took a shower to be alone, and then I went to bed to tune out, but I lost it and started crying quietly to myself. Unfortunately, I was heard and asked what was wrong. Asked a person that never talks about what's going on with him until the shit hits the fan, if at all, which is my spouse. I felt no comfort from him talking to me - more like just asking what was wrong. I felt no emotion coming from him. He did not touch me. What's wrong with this picture? Fuck.
Speaking of fuck, I haven't had any interest in it for a long time - more than a year. This bothers him, of course. I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to him anymore. I look at him, I look at his face, watch his mannerisms, watch him do the irritating things he does, and something's just wrong. Something is missing and I can't put a finger on it. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me, but just that there seems to be something terribly wrong with us. If he doesn't pay rent and bills, I'm not happy and if I'm not happy, he's not happy because I won't be a housewife that caters to him and keeps the place spotless. Not to mention have sex with him in a manner of his choice. I'm just not interested in any of it. Is that all due to depression and medication?
Right now, I don't feel like I give a shit about anything. I'm glad I have some time alone. I suppose I sound cruel and cold, but I'm just being terribly frank. I'm not OCD like he's become either. Fuck that shit.
Monday, December 12, 2011
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