Random Stupidity

What a rough weekend it's been. I had way too much to drink, and of course, blacked out and was found running around the apartment building like a crazy person, and banging on doors. I had to be told all this by the spouse. What a mess. He said that I told him I hated him. I have absolutely no memory of it or anything going wrong. Next morning, he gave me an ultimatum to either get a shrink or he's out of here in 2 months. Oh, and no more booze.

Ultimatums don't sit well with me regardless. I'm not afraid of being left by him since he used to always walk out during an argument, or go to bed and try to sleep. I'm not afraid because I know I can look after myself now that I have my own income, which barely covers rent and expenses for me. I'm not afraid because I've been shat on too many times already and wouldn't be surprised. I'm not afraid if all that and the stress of it pushes me over the edge. I just don't care anymore. I'm not happy in this mess and I don't see myself as being too happy in the future about anything. I guess I'm going through the dangerous I don't care phases. That could only mean one thing: death on the brain. People get tired of trying, tired of caring, as do I about myself. People who claim to love you will only go so far for you, when you would do more if the situations were reversed.

I know myself. I know that if I'm left alone that I will eventually try to consume every pill in the place, render myself unconscious and pray for death. This isn't some kind of threat. I just know myself.

It's "funny" that I was threatened to be left if  I don't get a shrink, because that very day of the incident above, I was looking up shrinks online. Of course I'm nervous about it. Nervous about getting ripped off or going through yet another bad scene with a shrink. I'm even kind of afraid of being locked up.

I don't think it's totally safe for me to say what's on my mind to a shrink, because it's far more than disturbing. It's about payback with someone that deserves a slow painful death, the ugly motherfucker. It's about random and not-so-random thought crimes. Perhaps I have too many hateful and evil thought crimes on the brain.

It's true that I feel cheated out of a normal life as other people have, but of course I want to punish those that have crossed me, and especially broken my trust. I choose to no longer trust anyone, and that includes the spouse. When I think about it, I can't really answer the question, if asked, "whom do you trust"? And of course if I admit I don't even trust the spouse, I'll get asked why not. My answer will be "Why?". Why do I keep getting up to get knocked down again and again. This life just isn't worth it.

So now I'll continue the painful, horrible search for a shrink that will accept me as a patient...

Going Down the Toilet?

Is my marriage going down the toilet? I know the lack of respect around here seems to be. This is not good and brings more stress, making this living a living in hell at times. I'm glad I have some money saved up so that I can cover my ass should the spouse take off. No, I'm not being paranoid. I'm trying to be realistic and get ready to take care of myself again, just like I did before he got here.

I hate talking about money with the spouse because he gets all pissed off and easily offended. He still hasn't paid 1/2 the rent and 1/2 a bill, all the while he makes 2 or 3 times what I get from SSA, which he knows. I get this nagging feeling he thinks I should owe him. Which I feel I do not. We never made formal agreements on anything, which has to be done to sort out some of this crap. That makes me nervous and with be like starting a fight with him. He's not on my good list these past few days.

I Made it Outside By Myself!!

I'm so anxious nearly every single fucking day, and today I made it outside alone! So that doesn't get done every day. Anyway, I stopped at a clothing store to return an online purchase on my way to the bank. I think I made security a little nervous since I was wearing sunglasses. I made it outside by myself, rode the bus a few stops and did my thing.

I'm so fucking proud of myself this morning, but where would I be without my iPod? I can't remember the last day that I managed to make it outside by myself. Could have been months ago. These days you can have anything delivered to you or shop online, which is what I did. I usually mail stuff back online but I decided to go in person so I wouldn't have to bother with shipping. It is so incredibly awful trying to make it outside, a reason, a destination, riding the bus... I take taxis to my med appointments, and the Rx I get there at the pharmacy.

I texted my spouse to spread the news and haven't got a response from him yet. He is somewhat supportive of my anxiety thing. I'm anxious everywhere, but don't feel it so much when I'm with him, and I don't know what it is that makes me so anxious. If I knew, I'd try and fix it. Suppose there are many factors. Seems that no condition is so easy or b/w. Shit. I should have taken my clonopin along. Dumbass. I have a feeling that "somewhat supportive" is not cutting it enough anymore. Things seem on the rocks, but this is a very touchy issue that needs to be dealt with and discussed thoroughly. I hate those kind of talks. One of those talks is going to happen tonight, I'm hoping.

Strawberry Lip Goo

One of my current prized possessions is a Jello strawberry Lip Smacker from my daughter, given to me about a year and a half ago. I wished she still lived in the same town, but she went off to college and is creating a new life for herself there. I can't help still thinking of her like a little girl. The guilt of missing her for 10 years really gets to me and can spoil an entire day. Days...

But I don't want to get into all that now.

My husband sent me a text saying he thinks he's coming down with something. I told him to skip out on work
come home to be cared for. At least it's not raining out there, or freezing. He would only sleep most of the day and eve, so it wouldn't be too bad.

I don't really feel like getting into anything serious at the moment, and am watching the Twilight Zone.
Time to tiptoe out of here and slip my rent check under the manager's door.

Yes, I've taken my meds already.

Lights Out

This morning the power went out on the whole block. Everything went off, and it was a little more than odd to be in a quiet apartment. The only one saying much was the cat. Good thing I have a few books laying around, but just as I started to get into one of the books, the power returned.

I slurped down some green tea, hoping to spend some really quiet time alone when the spouse busted in the door. He was let off an hour early today for the day they call a holiday tomorrow. I had to sign off quickly.

Going out of town for thanksturkey day and hope to make it short and sweet. God, I hate the holidays. What's new.

Information

I have a cat and I am not a cat hoarder or newspaper hoarder. I do have a spouse. How either put up with me is a complete mystery. Perhaps I'm not a total ass. My cat is not a lap cat, and I'm not a lap person.

This page needs some sprucing up, as do I.

Cramps suck ass. Fuck you, "Aunt Flo"!

Not looking forward to thanksgiving out in the middle of nowhere (relative's house). I am hoping to just grab some dark meat, pumpkin pie, then to get the fuck out of there ASAP. I'm bringing my own booze in a flask as it's a dry house.

Rockin' Back in Time

As a confirmed hater of my own current body issues, I have been having little faith in the ability to drop this weight I've gained over the year. It seems that I can't do it or am making excuses for feeding my face when I'm not hungry, or just overeating. Today I had some vivid memories of crossing paths with a particular "rockstar" (some would say) many years ago, and of being in good shape about a year and a half ago. Good enough shape to wear what I liked and felt fairly comfortable about my shape. I have hit rock bottom with the weight loss game, but my good memories about the body I once had can be had once again, thanks to those old vivid thoughts that came back in my head.
I have to realize that I CAN and WILL be in shape again, for myself, for my own well-being and my own mental health. Not because I want to please my spouse. It's going to take time, and I'm impatient as fuck. It's going to probably take about half the time it took to gain it all. I have to be able to look in the mirror without wanting to scream, cry, and/or throw up. Yeah, I'm hard on myself, but I'm the one that has to be. I can remember that if I did it before, then I can do it again. I can fucking do it again. It's a state of mind that I'll have to work on 24/7, 365 ALONE.
For a little while I messed around with the colour and cut of my hair just to try to take attention away from the rest, but since it didn't work for me, I failed miserably. So, this will mean that I will be writing a bit every day about how I'm progressing, because this is a war that I now refuse to lose. I will beat the fat. I can't make myself younger, but I can make myself look and feel better about some aspects.
Fucking hormones sure as hell don't help, as well as "aunt Flo"'s fucking visits. It's all up to me. I have to allow myself to be "selfish" and get rid of all this sorryass fucking fat.